Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo Dat

As a customer, if you need assistance, and what you want to show me is on your phone, you should have the picture or text up and ready to go when you summon me over.

I can't tell you how often people expect me to stand and wait while they scroll through hundreds of pictures, text message and notes on their phone.  One guy, I kid you not, had me wait so long, that I excused myself to go to the ladies room at the opposite end of the store and when I came back he was till looking through his phone.

And they always apologize.  When it's not busy, I don't care that much, but when the store is rockin', I don't have time to wait for you because the next customer is hovering and staring and about to interrupt us anyway.  This is the same person who calls the store, I answer and then they ask me to hold...for a long time.  I hang up on them.  But, you can't always walk away from them.  Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

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Chateau Ste. Michelle Rage

An older woman came into the store looking for Chateau Ste. Michelle.  She kept saying 2009.  So, I led her over to the aisle where the wines are kept.  

Me: "My Ste. Michelle wines are right here."

Woman: "I need 2009."

Me: "Which one would you like?"

Woman: "I said 2009."

Me: " I have Riesling, Chardonnay, Cabernet, Merlot.  Which one would you like?"

Woman now angry: "I DON'T KNOW.  2009!!!"

Me: "Let's start here.  Red or white?"'

Woman more angry: "I just need 2009."

Me: "There are 4 for you to select from.  They make red and white, dry and sweet."

Woman extremely agitated and is throwing in the  towel on this:  "I need tequila."

Me: "Right this way.  Which brand?"

Woman: @#$%^^&^&*&^**&^%@@@

Here we go again.

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It's Not Personal

If I don't have something you want, it's not personal.  But, customers think it is.  Do you think I'm not stocking it to piss you off because I know you want it?

We have a popular Romanian wine, but it's been out of stock for some time.  The distributor is out of stock and there have been some issues overall with getting wine from this part of the world.  It's a blanket problem, not one with just our store.  So, when a woman called about it, she was quite angry with me.

Phone rings.

Me: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I was there yesterday and you were out of the Romanian wine I like.  Is it in today?"

Me: "No, ma'am.  The distributor is out of stock and there have been some issues with this wine company shipping to the U.S."

Customer: "So, when do you expect it in?"

(Maybe she's deaf?)

Me: "I don't expect it in for quite some time.  The distributor doesn't have any to give to me and the wine company is having trouble exporting to the U.S."

Customer clearly miffed: "I can't find it anywhere."

Me: "Exactly."

It's not personal. 

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Heard at the Wine Shop

Sometimes I don't really have a story to tell.  Sometimes, it's just the stuff that people say.  Here are three recent things that three different customers said, out loud, in front of other people.

"It's like going grocery shopping when you're high."

I'll have to trust you on this one.  Can't say I've ever done that before.

"Where are the wines that start with the letter B?"

Aisles 1-7.  Have fun.

"I'm looking for Merlot.  Jell-O."
My colleague was very impressed that I was able to decipher this one as J. Lohr.

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Ruffino Chianti

Ruffino has a lot of wines in their portfolio.  Thankfully, they are all Italian so in the store they live close together on the shelves.  A woman came in and asked where Ruffino Chianti was.  Now, Ruffino has many Chianti's.  They have their standard table wine Chianti that comes in a regular bottle and a magnum, they have the Chianti Superiore, the Ducale, the tan label, the gold label and 3 other Chianti's I don't carry.  

Chianti is a place in Italy's Tuscany region.  A smaller geographic region within the Chianti region is Chianti Classico.  The main grape is Sangiovese and it is usually blended with one or more other grapes.  The old school, traditional blend is Sangiovese and Colorino, but now, estates like Ruffino blend in Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot to give them a more international quality.

So, I asked the customer which one she wanted.  Her response was, 

"Which one is more like Merlot."

I had no words for her.

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Phone Orders

 
People try and call to pay for alcohol over the phone.  It's fine when we know you, but if we don't, we're protecting you from fraud, so you do have to come into the store.

Phone rings.

Me: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "I want to buy some liquor over the phone and have my friend pick it up.  It's really for her."

Me: "I'm sorry, but you'll have to come into the store to purchase liquor."

Customer: "It's for my friend.  She goes there all the time.  I'm sure you know Jane Smith.  She has a cane and you know her right?"

Me: "Ma'am, I can't take your credit card over the phone for liquor.  You have to come in."

Customer: "But, I can't.  I'm in another state and this is for Jane Smith.  You have to know who she is.  She's there all the time.  She can vouch for me.  It's not a problem."

Me: "Ma'am.  I cannot take the order over the phone.  Sorry."

Customer: "Can I talk to a Manager?"

Me: "I am the Manager on duty.  I'm very sorry I can't help you."

Call ends.

Later, a woman comes into the store.  She has a cane and I immediately know what's going to happen next.

Jane Smith starts to tell me the story and I tell her that I'm the one who spoke to her friend.  She now has a problem with me as she could vouch for her.  

Me: "It's not needing to know you.  I don't know her and we are very cautious about credit card fraud."

That shut her up.

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I Belong to No Customer

The holidays are here and I don't look forward to the struggle that customers have when they want my help and I'm with someone else.  I've blogged about these people before.  They hover around, they wait for me while staring me down and sometimes will even interrupt me.  

But, this customer is a little different.  I help him.  I ask him if he needs anything else.  He says no and I move onto the next customer.  But, in about 5 minutes, he's not really done and needs my assistance again, so he thinks he has ownership over me.  The "I had her first" attitude.  Hey, you said we were done, so I'm now in sales mode with someone else.  If you want me back, you have to wait your turn after the 3 other people who are waiting to talk to me.  

It doesn't matter to him.  He will now become all of these people at the same time involving me in a tug of war for my attention.  He interrupts, hovers and stares at me, raises his finger to get my attention until he is really done and he won't be happy until he gets me to stop what I am doing and go back to him.  Ah, the joys of the season are upon us.

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Koala Liquor

Customer:: "Do you have Koala?"

Me: "What's it called?"

Customer: "Koala.  It's a coffee liquor."

Me: "Do you mean Kahlua?"

Customer: "That's it."

Me: "I aim to please."

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Charles Shaw

Charles Shaw wines are referred to as "Two Buck Chuck."  The wines started out at $2, but now hover around the $2.50 range.  The wines hail from California and in NJ are only sold at one large wine retailer that is not where I work at.  

I once participated in a blind auction where I bid on a bag that was totally hidden from me and spent $30 on one of these shitty bottles.  Boy, was I pissed!

So, customers constantly ask me for these wines and they are always confused when I explain that they are only sold at the other wine shop.  So, now it's my perverse pleasure to sell them on a $4 bottle of wine, my cheapest at the store.  Sometimes, this job really sucks.

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The Braggart

He's not the Ladies Man, but he is the Braggart.  He's the guy that demands your undivided attention while he shops, asks you lots of questions, tells you about all the expensive wines he has in his cellar, what expensive wine he drank last night, and then doesn't buy anything remotely expensive because he has too much of that already.  Of course, my eyes are usually rolling around in my head while he talks, but I'm hopeful to make a big sale until he crushes me.

Braggart: "Do you have Opus One?"

Me: " No sorry.  You have to be on my private list for that.  I've sold my allocation this year."

Braggart:  "Well, I have Opus in every vintage going back 10 years, some Opus magnums, and last night.. oh hey Jimmy, what did mom say I should have opened last night?"

Jimmy: "The magnum of Opus."

Braggart: "Right.  Mom said that.  She doesn't know ho much that costs!"

And then this goes on and on and on and on until I want to smash my head in with a hammer while he tells me about all the 1st growth Bordeaux's he has, magnums of this and that, and he's chasing me around the store while I always look unimpressed and disinterested about his extensive collection.

When he leaves the store, he spends about $200 on 12 bottles.  Please don't come back.

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New Vintages are Like a New Car Lot

I had an old colleague who explained this perfectly to customers and I've stole it because it works.  Customers come into the store with a name of a wine and the vintage they want.  The vintage is the year the wine was harvested. 

Customer: "I had the 2006 and it was amazing.  You only have the 2010.  Do you have the 2006?"

Me: "No, the 2006 is long gone.  We're on the 2010's now."

Customer: "So, you don't have 2006?"

Me: "No."

Customer: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Sir, vintages are like new cars at the car dealership.  Today is 2013.  You want a 2010, but all the dealership has is the current 2013 model.   If you want a 2010, you have to find another driver who is willing to sell it to you through the want ads or go to the used car lot.  Only 2013 is available at the new car dealership.  Wine is the same.  Once the vintage is gone, we get the newer model in.  You would need to find a wine auction site to find older vintages.  Understand?"

Customer:  "So, you don't have the 2006?"

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My Day of Infamy

I got written up.  In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little snarky.  I'm usually not that snarky with the customers unless I know them, but every once in awhile, my dry sense of humor comes pouring out like an elephant stampede.  This is a little long, so bear with me.

An old guy came into the store and it was rather early around 9:30am.  We were getting hit hard with deliveries and it was right before a major holiday so filling the shelves was a necessity.  I was building a display of Beaujolais Nouveau.  Yeah, it finally arrived!  The old guy stops while I was sweating my ass of building this huge display and starts a conversation with me.

Old Guy: "Can I make a suggestion for you?"

Me: "Sure."  Wiping my brow.

Old Guy: You should stock the shelves at night because I can't navigate the store."

Me: "Well, we like to sleep at night."

Was that offensive to you?  It was to this guy.  I'm sure it was the waaaaaay I said it, all smiles and such.

He had a con-nip-shit telling me how nasty my comment was.  I assured him my comment was not nasty and apologized if he thought so, but he assured me back how nasty I was.  Maybe I should have told him that this little organization called the UNION doesn't allow drivers to deliver at night?  Whatever.  These old guys don't have anything better to do than to call your boss, complain and try to get you fired.  The ironic part was, he left in a good mood with a case of wine.

Right when my shift was about to be over, my boss called me into the office and told me quite angrily how he had to write me up because of the old guy.  He never asked me what happened, just handed me to write-up to sign.  When I read it, it made no sense.  Something like he told me he wanted oranges and I said I wanted to sleep at night.  And, I told him that this made no sense, so, I explained it on the back in writing.  Let's at least be accurate.  The only extra tid-bit on the form said that, this was my one and only warning.  My warning for what?  Telling people I like to sleep at night?  Getting a complaint?  People always complain about the female manager - she's the bitch, right?  I get at least one every year and that's not about to change.  Whatever.  There's a little more to this story, but you'll have to wait until the book comes out.  For now, there is a black mark on my squeaky clean record.

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Talk to My Ass

This customer weirds me out and it happens more than you think.  It never fails that when I bend down to pick up a bottle, a box, garbage or whatever, someone, behind me, will talk to my ass.  I am literally bent over.  There is never an "excuse me", a throat clearing or any indication that someone is behind me.  The person just asks a question...to my ass.

I bend down and I hear, "where is the beer?"  I stand up and turn around.  What?  Are you talking to me?  I wonder if they think that my ass will actually talk back.  Maybe I should pull an Ace Venura.  I've thought about looking between my legs and talking back to them.  Maybe I could start a whole new thing.  Like planking in different public places.  I could bend over and look between my legs and talk to them in different aisles in the store.  I could even walk that way to make it easier on the customer.  That would probably get me written up, which will bring me to tomorrow's blog.

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Champagne Wishes

My colleagues don't believe that my least favorite question is someone who is looking for a Champagne that is "not too sweet and not too dry".  This questions always comes for almost any wine, but for bubbly, it's difficult to comprehend for some.

Brut - This is the driest form of Bubbly. Bone dry.

Extra-Dry - Sounds drier right?  It's not.  It's less-dry than Brut.  Thus the confusion.

Now this has to be explained over and over to customers and on New Year's Eve it's quite the nightmare.  With real Champagne, wine that actually comes from Champagne, France (this is a whole other topic), the semi-sweet wines are usually more expensive than the Brut because they make less of it.  So, then we have to talk about frutiness or talk about other regions which really blows their minds.  

One sale in this aisle can take longer than standing in line at Costco on a Sunday afternoon.  It takes too much effort and is my least favorite question at the wine store.

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Look at Me

One day I was in the store, replying to an e-mail from one of my customers.  I was trying to concentrate on the e-mail to make sure I quoted him some prices correctly.  Just then, a customer in the store, asked me a question.  I don't remember what the question was, but it doesn't matter.  Let's say he asked me where the Merlot was.  I told him Merlot was on his right-hand side as I continued to respond to my e-mail.  He then bellowed, "LOOK AT ME!!!!!"

I looked up at the crazy man standing before me.

"LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU TALK TO ME."  It's rude not to look at me when I'm talking to you.

I said, "Sir, I'm looking at the person who spoke to me first.  He is getting a timely e-mail response to his question which was asked before yours and I'm multi-tasking with you.  What, can I assist you with?"

That was enough.  He went away.  Freak.

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Remember Me?

If I had a quarter for every customer I assisted only once and asked me on their second trip in, 

"Remember me?"  

I'd be fairly rich. 

I help hundreds of people every week and during the holidays, I'm sure that number is in the thousands.  I remember the high end guys, not always their names, but by faces.  I know my e-mail high-end guys by name only and wouldn't recognize them if they stopped in.  I know all the regulars by face only and if I know 1% of their names, I'm probably exaggerating.  But, to ask me if I remember you after I helped you one time only, you've got to be joking!

And not only do they want me to remember them, I'm supposed to remember every wine selection I recommended for them!

A customer came in the other day and did something I wrote about already.  He leaned over the table right behind me and breathed on the back of my head because I should know he was there waiting...behind me.  So, I started to turn around and he scared the heck out of me!

Customer: "Remember me?"

Me: "How can I help you today?" (notice I don't say no)

Customer: "Remember the wines you gave me the other day?"

Me: "Did you like them?" (me getting around the issue)

Customer: "Yes.  They were right around here as he points to an area."

Me: "Why don't I look your account up."

Thank god for our system of tracking purchases so I could "remember" every wine I recommended for him. I got him his wine and off he went.  I'm sure I won't "remember him" next time either.

The best customer is the one who comes in 1x every year because she doesn't drink, but buys a gift.  

"Remember what you recommended for me last year about this time?"

"No, no I don't."

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Let Me Get That For You

Yes, I'm a woman.  I'm a strong woman, both physically and mentally.  I can carry a case of wine about 35 pounds.  I can carry more than 50 pounds at least.  But, those male customers think I'm  a fragile woman who can't climb, lift, carry or walk a case of wine anywhere, because I am a woman.

Sometimes it's necessary to get a ladder, climb it, search for a case of wine above the shelves, grab it, carry it down the stairs and either place it in  customer's cart or carry it up to the front.  The male customers always say:

"Let me get that for you."

"Can I go up and get it?"

"Drop it down to me."

My answer is always no.  Besides the fact that I am a physically strong woman (Hey, I work out with Lisa at www.bodyrock.tv.), it's a sure-fire liability.  If he hurts himself on the ladder, hurts his back, I drop it on his head, etc... it's a lawsuit in the works.

Sometimes I have to grab a case that's on the floor under the shelving unit.  When he says "Let me get that," I always make a point to grab it, lift it over my head and show him I'm OK.  I usually say, "You can't work here unless you can carry a case of wine."  Which is true.  

So guys, get over yourselves.  Let a woman help you for a change especially when it's my job.

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This is Not a Gas Station

Let me ask you a question.  When you go driving somewhere you have never been, what do you do?

Do you:

A) Use your GPS?

B) Print or write out directions from www.mapquest.com?

C) Stop at a gas station to ask directions?

D) Stop at a VERY large wine store, get out of your car, come inside and ask for directions?

Now, I know you smart folks picked A or B and maybe even sometimes had to use C when you really didn't want to, but at least 3x every week, some poor guy always comes in to bother us, not shop and demand we drop everything to find their point of destination.  I have had guys interrupt me while I'm assisting a shopper, interrupt my cashiers while they are ringing someone up and I have had the same guy ask more than one person, usually when English is a second language, bother multiple employees.

Please, the wine store is not a place to ask for directions, especially when we are busy.  Sometimes, I'll point them to the gas station down the street.

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It's Seasonal

We were out of a wine, so I asked my purchaser to get more.  He checked and the wholesaler replied that there was no more because "it's seasonal."  I looked at my purchaser and said, "all wine is seasonal."  It's harvested in the fall, one of the 4 seasons, and when the wine is gone, you have to wait for the season, fall, to come back again in order to get more.  Of course, it's seasonal!

Sigh.  Lift hand.  Bang head.

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Saying Hello From a Mile Away

 I work in a very large store.  It''s 25,000 square feet.  It used to be a furniture warehouse.  You know, those are never small.  The other day I was at the back of the store, literally about 5 feet from the back wall.  A customer was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay at the front of the store, in my same aisle, really close to a cashier.  She looked at me and started screaming "HELLO!!!!!!!!!!    HELL-O!!!!!!"

I looked at her.  She must be crazy I thought, screaming all the way down the store to me.  Is no one else closer to her??

She yelled again, "HELLLOOOOOOOOO!"

She's kidding, right?  Did she expect me to YELL back at her or run so fast to the front to assist her as fast as I could?

I lifted my walkie talkie, called for assistance and went about my business. 

The holidays will be a lot of fun this year!

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Theme Wines

 

There are always occasions where people want a wine for the label and not for the wine.  The bridal shower poem is the most popular.  Women ask for wines  that can connect with first kiss, first house, first kid, etc, you get the idea.  Then there are people looking for birthday/anniversary labels that show a number, a cake, says birthday, etc.

My favorite is the gag gift.  You get invited to a 50th birthday, and the invitation insists on no gifts, so the birthday person usually gets gag gifts.  This is when I have to recite out loud, by heart all the "funny" labels".

Bitch

Sweet Bitch

Fat Bastard

Il Bastardo

Il Bastarda

Naked on Roller Skates

Passion had Red Lips

Fisticuffs

The Velvet Devil

Boom Boom Syrah

Old Fart

Arrogant Bastard (beer)

The Ball Buster

Monogamy

PromisQous

Kung-Fu Girl

Mad Housewife

Redneck Red

Bully Hill

Plungerhead

Big Ass (insert grape here)

Cheap Red/White Wine

Expensive

Boarding Pass

Santa's Little Helper

Running with Scissors

Fifty Shades of Grey

Naked

Simply Naked

Cycle Buff Beauty

Layer Cake

Cupcake

Two Left Feet

Customer: "You don't have anything with the word Birthday on it?"

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Lemon Jell-O

The first time a customer asked me for lemon Jell-O, I was really confused.  Didn't they know they were in a liquor store?  We don't sell gelatin or any grocery items other than snacks.  Lemon Jell-O?  I don't carry lemon Jell-O or any other flavor of Jell-O for that matter.

Limoncello!  Is that what you wanted?  Pronounce that with me - leemone-chello.  Not lemon Jell-O!  In what country is ce pronounced j?  Limoncello is an Italian liquor made from lemon peels.  Add some grain alcohol and simple syrup and you have Limoncello.  After dinner in Italy, it's common to drink this or Grappa.  Either choice is going to mess you up.

I'm still confused though.  I looked up Italian words that start with the letter c and none of them are pronounced with a j.  Are these the same people who pronounce mozzarella as mutzadell or capicola as capacole?  Are these the same people who pronounce prosciutto as projute or Italy as It-ly?

This blog is really helping me vent!  Thanks!

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You Must Have Moved It

 It never fails that when a customer can't find something, their comment is always:

"It was right here.  You must have moved it."  

This happens all the time.  In fact, the other day, this comment was said 3 times to me by 3 different customers.  Of those 3 customers, one was true.  We did move a brand from one side of the aisle to the other, but most times, a customer insists that the aisle they were looking for was 3 aisles over that way.  And I hate to say it, but it's always the older customers that insist I must have moved it.  I only work here 5-6 days a week for the last several years.  I would know, wouldn't I, if I moved something.

One of these customers was looking for the jug aisle.  This shelving is very different from the regular shelves where the regular sized bottles are.  He insisted that the jugs were 2 aisles over that way.  Do you know how hard it would be to not only move a section of gallon wines, but also their shelving units?  And, every time, the customer insinuates that I am wrong.  The wine was moved and I'm an idiot.  I must have moved it!

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Score Whores

The wine industry has this group of know-it-alls called "experts" from different wine publications and web sites and their jobs are to taste wine and give them a score on a scale from 1-100 on what they think is good.  Some of these "experts" have too much power over wines.  When a wine I have been carrying for 5 months suddenly gets a perfect score of 100 or near perfect score, the wine sells out almost immediately.  The people that buy these wines, I call, Score Whores.

The Score Whore doesn't care what the wine tastes like.  But, if their "expert of choice" gave it a high score, it has to be a good wine.  This is fine if your palate and personal tastes are like the so-called-expert, but my experience has been that I usually prefer different things.  I use these scores as benchmarks, not the holy grail.

But, scores sell.  So, yes, I do include them in e-mails to my high-end guys and on displays in the store, but generally, you're better off asking a trusted wine shop professional like myself if I've tasted the wine and liked it.  The worst Score Whore is the one who approaches me in the store and asks me for a $20 red that scored 95 points or more or when I recommend a wine and the first question he asks is "What score did it get?"  Do they think I memorize scores?  It's hard enough memorizing all those villages in France or how much my wines cost!  If I'm recommending something, it's good.  Trust me.  My reputation is on the line.  If I give you something that tastes bad, you'll never trust me again to make a recommendation and you may never come back. 

But, the Score Whores stick to the scores and nothing but the scores.  And I wish he would stick those scores somewhere else!

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The Price Game

You can pretty much get a good bottle of wine in any price point.  Some people are comfortable spending $100 on a bottle.  Some won't spend above $10 and there are people that think if it's that cheap, it can't be good.  As a professional in the industry, it's my job to taste a lot of wines.  It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.  So, I know not only what a lot of these selections taste like, but I can get them into the hands of what people are willing to spend on them.

When a customer is asking for a recommendation, one of the first questions I ask, is "How much do you want to spend?"  It's always a game of The Price is Right.  I have to guess what they want to spend without going over.

There's always that guy who says "Doesn't matter.  Pick me a good one."  I still try to gauge them by asking "$10, $20, $100?"  He usually responds, "Whatever" or something close to that.

Doesn't matter, my eye!  I take them over to the high-end case.  

Me: "This one is great for $120."
Customer: "That's too much."
Me: "How much do you want to spend?"
Customer: "Less than that."

And now the game begins while I keep going lower and lower until the customer gets something they want in their price point.  Now, sometimes, I do get a guy who really doesn't care about price, and that makes my day!

The other day a woman wanted a Moscato.  She asked me what the best was.

Me: "How much do you want to spend?"
Customer: "Give me the best one."
Me: "The best one is $18."
Customer: "$18!!!!!"

I thought she was going to slap me.  She settled on the $8 bottle I suggested.

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