The Shelf is Empty

Customer approaches me and holds up a bottle of Lancers Rose.

Customer:  "I took the last one.  The shelf is empty."

Me: "Sir, would you like more bottles?  We have more."

Customer: "No." And walks away.

Debbie looks confused.

There are several customers who do this to me.  They need to make sure that they tell me what my job is.  Mostly, they want to make sure when they come back in 2 days that the shelf will be filled and they won't need to give me a heads up that their beloved wine is out of stock.  I don't appreciate this, but I really appreciate the customer who does want more and isn't afraid to ask, because I will happily go and fill their cart.

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The Bible Thumper

The wine store always has an interesting cast of characters who come in regularly.  There is one woman, I call The Bible Thumper who comes in at least once a week.  The first time I met her she wanted a bottle of Cannanou because Dr. Oz told his viewers that it's good for your heart.  Cannonau is a red grape from Sardinia and when Dr. Oz told people to drink it, the two wines we carried, flew off the shelves.  The one pictured above is what she wanted.

I think she said the phrase "The Lord, Jesus Christ" at least 5 times.  She told me how she never drank because she was a good Christian woman, but because Dr. Oz said it was good for her heart, than she allowed herself a glass every night, Praise the Lord.  But, her issue was that she wanted a larger bottle of this brand.  I explained that is wasn't available.  She wanted to know who she could talk to.  I told her, I physically couldn't get this brand in a larger bottle.  She wanted a phone number of who she could convince to get this for her, because she needed value.  I told her that it doesn't exist.  The winery doesn't make it.  It's not a real thing!

Well, Thanks Be to God, she left with one bottle.  But, every time she comes in, she asks someone else to get her this brand in a larger bottle, and we all tell her the same thing.  We can't get it.

She called once in the middle of a really busy evening once and asked for one of my colleagues and offered to drive him to church one day. 

She still comes in once a week.  But, we all run and hide because every person she runs into has to get a lesson in God the Almighty and why we should Praise Him.

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I Want to Talk To You

Customers are funny.  They say and do things that are curious, strange and just weird.

Customer approaches me after he checks out with 3 cases of wine near the exit.

Customer: "Do you price match?"

Me: "Yes, if you have the competitors newspaper ad or flier."

Customer: "I don't have that."

Me: "Sorry, it's our policy."

Customer: "That's why I wanted to talk to you.  I don't have a flier, but X store has a wine for $2 less."

Me: "Sorry.  It's policy.  What wine, sir?"
Customer: "That's why I wanted to talk to you.  That's why I wanted to talk to you."

Customer leaves.

Debbie is confused.

For the rest of the day I approached all my colleagues individually  and told them I wanted to talk to them and walked abruptly away

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Coffee Talk

Remember Coffee Talk on SNL?  I loved Mike Meyers on Coffee Talk.  His accent nailed the Staten Island, Italian/Jewish mom.  Now, add a 10 pack a day smoker into that voice and use it while you read this. As soon as I heard the voice on the phone, I started a fit of giggles.

Phone Rings

Me: "How can I help you?

Customer: "I was just in thare.  I don't think I got my discount.  I bought some Prosecco."

Me: "Do you have the receipt in front of  you?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "On the bottom of the receipt, there is a cashier's name listed.  Can you tell me that name?"

Customer: "I don's see a name.  It must have been cut awff."

Me: "I'd like to look at the receipt with you so that I can help you better.  Can you tell me the total cost of your sale."

Customer: "Listen, I didn't get a discount. I don't know the name of the cashier."

Me: "What is the item in the question?"
Customer: "I told you."

Me: "You said Prosecco.  What brand is it?"

Customer: "I don't know.  It's in the car.  It has an orange label."

Me: I rattle off some brands. "It's listed on the receipt, ma'am."

Customer: "Listen, I was at the 4th register with a short girl."

Customer finally gives me the total and I ask her to hold on while I go print out a copy of the receipt.

Me: "Hello, ma'am?  I have a copy of your receipt here.  You did receive the discount on your 2 bottles.  You saved $2 on each bottle."

Customer: "Well, where does it say that?"

Me: "On your receipt, it has the discount on top...." 

Customer cuts me off: "WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT ON THE SHELF?"

Me: The white tag has $13.99 and the color tag has $11.99

Customer: "But your competitor has $11.99 as their every day price."

Me: "And that's the price you got with us today."

Customer ran out of things to say other than "good-bye."  And I did hear a slight mom-annoyed-laugh.

It's much funnier if you do the voice.  Now talk amongst yourselves.  I'm so veclempt.

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Beaujolais Nouveau in October?

Beaujolais Nouveau is the wine that is released from France's Beaujolais region on the 3rd Thursday in November every year.  It's the first wine of the year to be released and this year will kick off the 2013 harvest season.  Some associate this with the arrival of Thanksgiving here in the U.S.  The wine is very inexpensive around $7-8 and flies off the wine shelves and displays every year.

It's only October and customers are asking for this wine.  The grapes are still on the vines today.  Not picked, not fermented, not bottled or shipped.  They are quietly waiting their time to shine.

Customer: "Do you have Nouveau?

Me: "No, it's released the 3rd Thursday in November.

Customer: "But, I came all the way from Staten Island."

Me: "You're in the wrong country."

Customer:" Do you have that wine that is released about this time?"

Me: "Beaujolais Nouveau?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "It's not out yet"

Customer: "But, I want to give it as a gift."

Me: "It's still on the vines.  Come back in a few weeks."

Customer: "What am I going to do?"

Me in my head - "Buy another cheap-ass gift."

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Bathing in Perfume

 I sometimes wonder how people live.  People come into the store smelling bad, wearing pajamas, needing to filth-if-y our bathrooms, etc.

My favorite to hate is when you have a woman who wears so much perfume, you can actually taste it in your mouth.  Her fragrance has literally permeated your taste buds, entered your body, and you will think about how much you hate her for at least an hour.  Your tongue goes numb and you want to keep spitting and spitting until the taste of her smell is gone.

It's horrifying for me...someone who relies on her sense of smell and taste to do my job to have this perfume, via osmosis, stick to my hair, my clothes and get in my mouth.  Once I get the waft of someone like this, I try to run the other way.  First I identify the offender and quickly put my hands around my nose and mouth to ward off the intruding perfume.  But, if I get stuck actually assisting this person, I am doomed to taste her "ode to shit" until my shift is over.

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Where's That Smell?

While I'm on the subject of smells this week, there are more curious, offending smells we often run into while working in the wine shop.  Today, we talk about the crop duster.  A crop duster is a plane that takes off into the sky and spreads insecticides or fertilizers or whatever else over the crops by spraying it out of the plane.

If you don't know what this term "crop dusting" means as a slang to describe an action by someone on the ground, this is someone whose stomach may be off and leaves a trail of offending odor behind them all over the store.  We, as the retail store worker, may accidentally walk into one of these trails.  It hits you like a Mac truck.  

Oh no!  Where is that coming from?  And, why does my whole aisle smell like that?  

You don't always identify the crop duster.  They never stand in one place.  They keep moving and spreading their noxious fumes everywhere.  You can only hope that the offender gets what they need quickly and gets the hell out of the store!

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Dude, you Stink!

We have a culture of people in the area who take hygiene as a once in a while occurrence.  There is nothing worse than catching a whiff of your body odor.  There are some customers who don't have time for showering or even know what deodorant is.  

Thankfully, these people don't always need assistance in the aisles, so staying away from them is easy to do, but the cashier?  She has to deal with him.  And, I'm nice enough to warn her.  

"Take a deep breath and don't exhale until he leaves."  

Once he is gone, the cashier whips out the air freshener and sprays around her area and when she's done, I spray the areas where his body odor has stayed behind.  It's always curious to me how such a smell can still be present when the offender is long gone.  Thank goodness for Febreze, Lysol and whatever else we purchase!

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The Stalker

One of our stations is set up weird, so when people come into the store, they might be greeted by my back because I'm checking e-mails or doing work at a computer that faces away from the door.  The counter is low on all sides, so it's pretty easy to walk over to me face-to-face.  Most people do, but there are others who prefer to stand behind me and wait.....because I have ESP and know they are standing and waiting for me.

Now, if I'm not looking at you, you should usually try to get my attention.  Saying "Excuse me" generally works or "Hi, can you help me?"

Most people just start talking to the back of my head and I should know to turn around.

"Tequila?"

"Do you have wine from Sardinia?"

"Do you have a bathroom I can use?

(Are you talking to me?)




Now this goes back to my basic pet peeves I talked about awhile ago, but sometimes I get the person that just stands there for minutes.  And, says nothing.  I can feel them there, but I won't turn around unless they say something.  Last week, there was a slight throat clearing.  Once, then twice, then three times.  Seriously, just walk around!  Maybe I should get a bell?

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The Jokesters

 When people become regulars, they feel the need to tell me jokes.  Unless you're a professional comedian, I'd rather not hear it.  The same people are always trying to tell me jokes no matter how much I protest.  

This week's cheesy joke from a customer was this:

A mushroom walks into a bar.  

Bartender says "We don't serve your kind here."

Mushroom says, "But, I'm a fun-gi."

That's what I said.

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Tan is the New Pink

Customer: Where are your Chianti's?"

Me: "Right this way.  Are you looking for something in particular?"

Customer: "I forgot the name, but it has a pink label and sounds like Lambrosco."

Me: "I have Lambrusco's in a different section and a pink label Chianti right here."

Customer:  "It's a Chianti, but that's not it."

Me: "My Chianti's are here in this section and also behind you if you want to look around."

Customer turns around.

Customer: "Here it is.  Ruffino (the tan label.)

 Me:" That's tan, not pink and starts with an R.

Customer: "What color did I say?"

Me: "You said pink.  I didn't have a chance." 

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The Spellers

 These people think they are either always at a Spelling Bee or they have young kids and always spell out words kids know like C-A-N-D-Y or S-E-X so they spell them to talk to their spouse without little ears hearing them.

Customer walks up to me and says "Do you have C-A-V-I-T?"  

This was hard to say?  When I'm tired, the last thing I want to do is concentrate really hard on a word you're trying to say, but refuse to.

Customer on phone: "I'm looking for a wine. "

Me: "Which one?"

I swear this happened.

Customer on phone: "B as in Boy, O as in Omega, R as in Robert, D as in Dog, E as in Edward, A as in Alpha, U as in Umbrella, X as in Xylophone."

Me: "Which Bordeaux are you looking for?"

Customer on phone: ""H as in Harry, A as in Alpha, U as in Umbrella, T as in Tom, Space, M as in Mary, E as in Edward, D as in Dog, O as in Omega, C as in Cat."

Me:  "That's the region.  Do you know the winery name.  You can just say it.  You don't have to spell it."

Customer on phone: "Imported by "M as in Mary...

Me cutting her off: "That's the importer.  I need the winery name"

Customer on phone "C as in Cat.....

Me - BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

Who has time for this?

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The Name Dropper

The Name Dropper.  I'm talking about the person who reads my name tag and says my name about 15 times in a conversation.

Customer: "Are you Debbie?  They sent me over here to talk to Debbie."

Me: "Yes, I am.  How can I help you?"

Customer: Well, Debbie, I need a bottle of Fortissimo."

She's kind of older so I offered to get it for her since it's all the way in the back of the store, but she refuses and we start the hike down the football fields of aisles at a very slow pace. I grab the 5L bottle and show her.

Customer: "Debbie, that's too big.  My friend can't drink all of that.  Do you have it in a smaller bottle Debbie?"

Me: " This is the only size."

Customer: "Debbie, do you have anything close to it in smaller size?"

Ok, I have never tasted this crap before, so it's time to hustle.

Me: "I have a nice bottle.  Let me get it for you."

Customer: "Debbie, I also need a bottle of tequila."

I walk her up to the tequila aisle and suggested a $20 bottle with a lesser name, but of better quality.

Customer: "Debbie, that's not my brand.  Debbie's that not the one I was looking for."

Me:  "Take a look around and I'll be right back."

I go ask some colleagues if they ever tasted that plonk she wanted and everyone shrugged so I grab a $10 bottle of red and go back to the customer and show her.

Customer:  "Debbie I found my brand.  Cactus Jack is what I like Debbie."

I show her the wine bottle.  

Customer: Debbie, do you have anything else?

Me:  "How about this?"  and show her a carafe of other plonk in a smaller bottlei.

Customer: "What a cute bottle Debbie.  I'll take it.  Thank you Debbie."

Ugh, if I never hear my own name being said out loud for the rest of the day, I'll be good.

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What Size is a 375ml?

This conversation really happened.  Just this past Friday I had this phone call.

Ring

Me: "Can I help you?"

No answer.  I hang up.

Ring - same guy.  We have caller ID.

Me: "Can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking to buy 100 bottles for favors.  I want the smaller sizes, but not the really small ones."

Me: "We have a few splits.  Do you know which wine you'd like?"

Customer:  "What's a split?"

Me: "375ml."

Customer: "How much wine is that?"

Me: "A half bottle"

Customer: "Where would that be on the label?"

Me: "Depending on the bottle, possibly the front."

Customer: "I have a bottle in front of me.  It says 750ml."

Me: "And?"

Customer: "How much wine is that other bottle mentioned?"

Me: "Half of the bottle in front of you."

Customer: "How many ml's is that?"

Me: "375ml!"

Customer: "What price do they start at?"

Me: "Splits start at $8.79 and up."

Customer: "What's a split?"

Me: " A HALF BOTTLE IS COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS A SPLIT BECAUSE IT'S LIKE SPLITTING A REGULAR BOTTLE IN HALF!"

Customer: $8.79 for a small bottle?  I need 100!"

Me: "I can order you anything you want."

Customer: "Thanks.  Good-bye."

My colleague is looking at me and laughing.  I explain this whole conversation to him and then...

Ring

Me: "Same guy.  I'm not answering."

Colleague: "Can I help you?"

Customer's Wife: "My husband is an idiot.  He doesn't know what he's doing.  Do you have Crane Lake?"

Colleague: "Yes.  $3.99/btl"

Customer's Wife: $3.99?  Why did someone quote him that you only have bottles $8.79 and up?"

Colleague:  "I don't know."

Customer's Wife: "We'll be in tomorrow to get 100 bottles."

My colleague told me what she said and I went off the handle.  He asked me for half bottles!!  Glad I won't be in when they come in to get these.

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That's Not Familiar to Me

Customer: "Can you recommend a Merlot?"

Me: "Sure.  This one (points to bottle) is really delicious.  I just tasted it the other day.  This one (points to another bottle) is also really good."

Customer: "I'm not familiar with those.  Do you have something I might be more familiar with?"

Me: (WTF?)

Me: "What wine might you be more familiar with?"

Customer:  "Thanks anyway.  I'll keep looking."

Real conversation, folks.

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Hairspray in Aisle 5

Ok, so I just saw a customer leave the rest room.  It's not that small.  Two stalls, 2 sinks and 2 mirrors.  She just LEFT the bathroom so why is she in Aisle 5 primping?  I saw this woman take out a full sized can of hairspray and spray her hair like she was misting her whole body with cool water on a hot, summer day.  I watched as all those sticky molecules that missed her head, land on several bottles of wine laying down.  She did this for a good 45 seconds and then went about her business while I stood in amazement shaking my head.

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I Think I'm the Wine Manager

Phone Rings.

Me: "How can I help you?"

Customer on Phone: Do you have any 4-packs of Yellow Tail Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio?"

Me: "Yes.  I do.  I have Chardonnay for X price and..."

Customer on Phone:  Cutting me off.  "Do you have Pinot Grigio?  That's a grape, too, you know."

Me:  "Really?  I am familiar with that.  I am the Wine Manager, you know."

Phone calls are great because I can roll my eyes and mouth curse words at you when you are acting like an idiot and you can't see me. 

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Joan Crawford

Customer: "Do you have Joan Crawford wine?"

Me: "Wow.  She has a wine out?  She's been dead for a long time.  Is it called No Wire Hanger Red?"

Customer:  Looks at me and she's not amused.  "Maybe that's not the name.  It had Crawford in it."

Me:  "How about Kim Crawford?"

Customer: "That's sounds right."

Me: "Big difference."

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Cell Phones

The cell phone.  

Everyone has one.  It some ways it has made our job easier.  When people are looking for a wine they had, they take a picture and show their phone to me.  Or, a friend e-mailed or texted them and they show their phone to me.  Sometimes, they need more help.  So, they call their wife, husband, daughter, son, friend and hand their phone to me to speak with the more knowledgeable person.  (I'm not a big fan of putting someone's else's phone next to my head.  Ew!)

But, more times than anything, the cell phone is a problem, not only to the wine retailer, but all retailers.  People's ears are glued to their phone from the time they walk in, shop and check out.  A cashier needs to speak to the customer, so when they don't get their discount because they couldn't bother to say "hold on", it's not my problem.  

I've been in the middle of conversations with people and their phone rings and their answer it.  So, I walk away.  I've had people stare me down while they were on the phone.  It's obvious they need assistance, but they are on the phone.  So, I walk away.  If you can't give me 2 minutes to answer your question, I can't be bothered.  Bad customer assistance on my part?  Probably.  But the next guy will give me his undivided attention and that's good enough for me.

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Life is a Caberet

Customer:  Do you have Cabaret?

Me:  I wish we had Cabaret.  I'd have a stage, lights, costumes and people would spontaneously burst into song.  Maybe I could even get Liza to perform.

Customer:  (Looking like a deer caught in the headlights.)

Me: Follow me.

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More Law Breakers

Then there are the people who think we are a full service bar.  All of these are illegal.

1) Drinking in their cars after leaving the store.  This happens a lot based on all the trash we pick up every morning.  (A customer called the cops once and someone was issued a sobriety test in our parking lot and was arrested.)
2) Buying a shot, opening it and drinking it in front of the cashier.  (That gets you banned for life.)
3) Getting out of your limo and bringing your solo cup with whatever alcohol is in it, in with you into the store.  The party doesn't continue in here.  (Threw him out.)
4)  Coming to the store already drunk with a child and trying to get back into your car. (Called the police.)
5) Arriving at the store so drunk you bump into everything and knock everything over.  (Illegal, yes.  But, we call you a cab.)

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Law Breakers

It's definitely an art form.  It happens more times than we catch based on our inventory.  I've seen a lot of stealing.

1) Opening a beer in the store and chugging it and not paying for it.
2) Walking out of the store with a bottle of Grey Goose in the back pocket (We caught him).
3) Wearing neoprene clothes under their regular clothes and inserting bottles of Ciroc under the tight clothes so they stay hand free. (Caught them, too)
4) Ducking under a racking area with bottle in one hand and large purse in the other and coming up with just the purse.
5) Taking bottles from the shelf and directly inserting into a large purse.
6) Putting bottles in a back pocket sticking out.  (He was caught).
7) Putting a bottle under her short and pants.
8) Employees coming back at night to steal truck loads of expensive wine, beer and liquor.  (He was caught).
9) Cashiers refunding kegs in cash, when no keg was brought back. (She was caught.)
10) Handing over a fake ID.  (It's not just the underage, it's the illegals, too.)
11) Taking a half bottle off the shelf, removing it from the box and putting the box back on the shelf.  Hide the bottle and leave undetected.
12) Same guy in #8, comes back after we saw the tape and uses his information with name, address and phone number to check out at the register.  Idiot!
13) Passing counterfeit 100's one day and coming back the next day with more fake bills and get CAUGHT!

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Why Must They Touch?

 Little kids are always told by their parents when going to the store, "Don't touch anything."  It's amazing that this life lesson doesn't follow people into adulthood.

Whenever there is open wine on a table for a tasting or event, we always have 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 or 12 closed bottles in front of the open bottle for people to admire, hold, read the label and put in their carts to buy.

When I talk to customers while I'm pouring for them, they need to touch.  They smell, savor and now they must touch the bottle.  They must always touch the OPEN bottle.

This always comes as a surprise to me when as much as a case of the same wine is directly in front of the open one, closer to the customer.  They must reach over ALL the closed bottles, grab the open bottle, pick it up and sometimes spill it.  They must touch an OPEN bottle that is being poured into dozens of customer's glasses on any given day.  I don't know where your hands have been!

I've actually grabbed the bottle back and inserted a closed bottle into people's grubby little hands.  Why, why, why??  Are the closed bottles not the same wine?  Do you think I'm trying to fool you?  Do you think it's bait and switch? 

Feel free to comment with your explanations of this weird urge to touch things that don't belong to you.  It's like poking someone's food.

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