Champagne Wishes

My colleagues don't believe that my least favorite question is someone who is looking for a Champagne that is "not too sweet and not too dry".  This questions always comes for almost any wine, but for bubbly, it's difficult to comprehend for some.

Brut - This is the driest form of Bubbly. Bone dry.

Extra-Dry - Sounds drier right?  It's not.  It's less-dry than Brut.  Thus the confusion.

Now this has to be explained over and over to customers and on New Year's Eve it's quite the nightmare.  With real Champagne, wine that actually comes from Champagne, France (this is a whole other topic), the semi-sweet wines are usually more expensive than the Brut because they make less of it.  So, then we have to talk about frutiness or talk about other regions which really blows their minds.  

One sale in this aisle can take longer than standing in line at Costco on a Sunday afternoon.  It takes too much effort and is my least favorite question at the wine store.

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Look at Me

One day I was in the store, replying to an e-mail from one of my customers.  I was trying to concentrate on the e-mail to make sure I quoted him some prices correctly.  Just then, a customer in the store, asked me a question.  I don't remember what the question was, but it doesn't matter.  Let's say he asked me where the Merlot was.  I told him Merlot was on his right-hand side as I continued to respond to my e-mail.  He then bellowed, "LOOK AT ME!!!!!"

I looked up at the crazy man standing before me.

"LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU TALK TO ME."  It's rude not to look at me when I'm talking to you.

I said, "Sir, I'm looking at the person who spoke to me first.  He is getting a timely e-mail response to his question which was asked before yours and I'm multi-tasking with you.  What, can I assist you with?"

That was enough.  He went away.  Freak.

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Remember Me?

If I had a quarter for every customer I assisted only once and asked me on their second trip in, 

"Remember me?"  

I'd be fairly rich. 

I help hundreds of people every week and during the holidays, I'm sure that number is in the thousands.  I remember the high end guys, not always their names, but by faces.  I know my e-mail high-end guys by name only and wouldn't recognize them if they stopped in.  I know all the regulars by face only and if I know 1% of their names, I'm probably exaggerating.  But, to ask me if I remember you after I helped you one time only, you've got to be joking!

And not only do they want me to remember them, I'm supposed to remember every wine selection I recommended for them!

A customer came in the other day and did something I wrote about already.  He leaned over the table right behind me and breathed on the back of my head because I should know he was there waiting...behind me.  So, I started to turn around and he scared the heck out of me!

Customer: "Remember me?"

Me: "How can I help you today?" (notice I don't say no)

Customer: "Remember the wines you gave me the other day?"

Me: "Did you like them?" (me getting around the issue)

Customer: "Yes.  They were right around here as he points to an area."

Me: "Why don't I look your account up."

Thank god for our system of tracking purchases so I could "remember" every wine I recommended for him. I got him his wine and off he went.  I'm sure I won't "remember him" next time either.

The best customer is the one who comes in 1x every year because she doesn't drink, but buys a gift.  

"Remember what you recommended for me last year about this time?"

"No, no I don't."

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Let Me Get That For You

Yes, I'm a woman.  I'm a strong woman, both physically and mentally.  I can carry a case of wine about 35 pounds.  I can carry more than 50 pounds at least.  But, those male customers think I'm  a fragile woman who can't climb, lift, carry or walk a case of wine anywhere, because I am a woman.

Sometimes it's necessary to get a ladder, climb it, search for a case of wine above the shelves, grab it, carry it down the stairs and either place it in  customer's cart or carry it up to the front.  The male customers always say:

"Let me get that for you."

"Can I go up and get it?"

"Drop it down to me."

My answer is always no.  Besides the fact that I am a physically strong woman (Hey, I work out with Lisa at www.bodyrock.tv.), it's a sure-fire liability.  If he hurts himself on the ladder, hurts his back, I drop it on his head, etc... it's a lawsuit in the works.

Sometimes I have to grab a case that's on the floor under the shelving unit.  When he says "Let me get that," I always make a point to grab it, lift it over my head and show him I'm OK.  I usually say, "You can't work here unless you can carry a case of wine."  Which is true.  

So guys, get over yourselves.  Let a woman help you for a change especially when it's my job.

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This is Not a Gas Station

Let me ask you a question.  When you go driving somewhere you have never been, what do you do?

Do you:

A) Use your GPS?

B) Print or write out directions from www.mapquest.com?

C) Stop at a gas station to ask directions?

D) Stop at a VERY large wine store, get out of your car, come inside and ask for directions?

Now, I know you smart folks picked A or B and maybe even sometimes had to use C when you really didn't want to, but at least 3x every week, some poor guy always comes in to bother us, not shop and demand we drop everything to find their point of destination.  I have had guys interrupt me while I'm assisting a shopper, interrupt my cashiers while they are ringing someone up and I have had the same guy ask more than one person, usually when English is a second language, bother multiple employees.

Please, the wine store is not a place to ask for directions, especially when we are busy.  Sometimes, I'll point them to the gas station down the street.

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It's Seasonal

We were out of a wine, so I asked my purchaser to get more.  He checked and the wholesaler replied that there was no more because "it's seasonal."  I looked at my purchaser and said, "all wine is seasonal."  It's harvested in the fall, one of the 4 seasons, and when the wine is gone, you have to wait for the season, fall, to come back again in order to get more.  Of course, it's seasonal!

Sigh.  Lift hand.  Bang head.

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Saying Hello From a Mile Away

 I work in a very large store.  It''s 25,000 square feet.  It used to be a furniture warehouse.  You know, those are never small.  The other day I was at the back of the store, literally about 5 feet from the back wall.  A customer was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay at the front of the store, in my same aisle, really close to a cashier.  She looked at me and started screaming "HELLO!!!!!!!!!!    HELL-O!!!!!!"

I looked at her.  She must be crazy I thought, screaming all the way down the store to me.  Is no one else closer to her??

She yelled again, "HELLLOOOOOOOOO!"

She's kidding, right?  Did she expect me to YELL back at her or run so fast to the front to assist her as fast as I could?

I lifted my walkie talkie, called for assistance and went about my business. 

The holidays will be a lot of fun this year!

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Theme Wines

 

There are always occasions where people want a wine for the label and not for the wine.  The bridal shower poem is the most popular.  Women ask for wines  that can connect with first kiss, first house, first kid, etc, you get the idea.  Then there are people looking for birthday/anniversary labels that show a number, a cake, says birthday, etc.

My favorite is the gag gift.  You get invited to a 50th birthday, and the invitation insists on no gifts, so the birthday person usually gets gag gifts.  This is when I have to recite out loud, by heart all the "funny" labels".

Bitch

Sweet Bitch

Fat Bastard

Il Bastardo

Il Bastarda

Naked on Roller Skates

Passion had Red Lips

Fisticuffs

The Velvet Devil

Boom Boom Syrah

Old Fart

Arrogant Bastard (beer)

The Ball Buster

Monogamy

PromisQous

Kung-Fu Girl

Mad Housewife

Redneck Red

Bully Hill

Plungerhead

Big Ass (insert grape here)

Cheap Red/White Wine

Expensive

Boarding Pass

Santa's Little Helper

Running with Scissors

Fifty Shades of Grey

Naked

Simply Naked

Cycle Buff Beauty

Layer Cake

Cupcake

Two Left Feet

Customer: "You don't have anything with the word Birthday on it?"

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Lemon Jell-O

The first time a customer asked me for lemon Jell-O, I was really confused.  Didn't they know they were in a liquor store?  We don't sell gelatin or any grocery items other than snacks.  Lemon Jell-O?  I don't carry lemon Jell-O or any other flavor of Jell-O for that matter.

Limoncello!  Is that what you wanted?  Pronounce that with me - leemone-chello.  Not lemon Jell-O!  In what country is ce pronounced j?  Limoncello is an Italian liquor made from lemon peels.  Add some grain alcohol and simple syrup and you have Limoncello.  After dinner in Italy, it's common to drink this or Grappa.  Either choice is going to mess you up.

I'm still confused though.  I looked up Italian words that start with the letter c and none of them are pronounced with a j.  Are these the same people who pronounce mozzarella as mutzadell or capicola as capacole?  Are these the same people who pronounce prosciutto as projute or Italy as It-ly?

This blog is really helping me vent!  Thanks!

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You Must Have Moved It

 It never fails that when a customer can't find something, their comment is always:

"It was right here.  You must have moved it."  

This happens all the time.  In fact, the other day, this comment was said 3 times to me by 3 different customers.  Of those 3 customers, one was true.  We did move a brand from one side of the aisle to the other, but most times, a customer insists that the aisle they were looking for was 3 aisles over that way.  And I hate to say it, but it's always the older customers that insist I must have moved it.  I only work here 5-6 days a week for the last several years.  I would know, wouldn't I, if I moved something.

One of these customers was looking for the jug aisle.  This shelving is very different from the regular shelves where the regular sized bottles are.  He insisted that the jugs were 2 aisles over that way.  Do you know how hard it would be to not only move a section of gallon wines, but also their shelving units?  And, every time, the customer insinuates that I am wrong.  The wine was moved and I'm an idiot.  I must have moved it!

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Score Whores

The wine industry has this group of know-it-alls called "experts" from different wine publications and web sites and their jobs are to taste wine and give them a score on a scale from 1-100 on what they think is good.  Some of these "experts" have too much power over wines.  When a wine I have been carrying for 5 months suddenly gets a perfect score of 100 or near perfect score, the wine sells out almost immediately.  The people that buy these wines, I call, Score Whores.

The Score Whore doesn't care what the wine tastes like.  But, if their "expert of choice" gave it a high score, it has to be a good wine.  This is fine if your palate and personal tastes are like the so-called-expert, but my experience has been that I usually prefer different things.  I use these scores as benchmarks, not the holy grail.

But, scores sell.  So, yes, I do include them in e-mails to my high-end guys and on displays in the store, but generally, you're better off asking a trusted wine shop professional like myself if I've tasted the wine and liked it.  The worst Score Whore is the one who approaches me in the store and asks me for a $20 red that scored 95 points or more or when I recommend a wine and the first question he asks is "What score did it get?"  Do they think I memorize scores?  It's hard enough memorizing all those villages in France or how much my wines cost!  If I'm recommending something, it's good.  Trust me.  My reputation is on the line.  If I give you something that tastes bad, you'll never trust me again to make a recommendation and you may never come back. 

But, the Score Whores stick to the scores and nothing but the scores.  And I wish he would stick those scores somewhere else!

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The Price Game

You can pretty much get a good bottle of wine in any price point.  Some people are comfortable spending $100 on a bottle.  Some won't spend above $10 and there are people that think if it's that cheap, it can't be good.  As a professional in the industry, it's my job to taste a lot of wines.  It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.  So, I know not only what a lot of these selections taste like, but I can get them into the hands of what people are willing to spend on them.

When a customer is asking for a recommendation, one of the first questions I ask, is "How much do you want to spend?"  It's always a game of The Price is Right.  I have to guess what they want to spend without going over.

There's always that guy who says "Doesn't matter.  Pick me a good one."  I still try to gauge them by asking "$10, $20, $100?"  He usually responds, "Whatever" or something close to that.

Doesn't matter, my eye!  I take them over to the high-end case.  

Me: "This one is great for $120."
Customer: "That's too much."
Me: "How much do you want to spend?"
Customer: "Less than that."

And now the game begins while I keep going lower and lower until the customer gets something they want in their price point.  Now, sometimes, I do get a guy who really doesn't care about price, and that makes my day!

The other day a woman wanted a Moscato.  She asked me what the best was.

Me: "How much do you want to spend?"
Customer: "Give me the best one."
Me: "The best one is $18."
Customer: "$18!!!!!"

I thought she was going to slap me.  She settled on the $8 bottle I suggested.

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The Ladies Man

We get all types at the store, but the guy that makes me roll my eyes around the most is 
"The Ladies Man."  

This is the guy who approaches a team member and says,

"I want to get something the Laaaaadies will like."

And, yes, this happens A LOT!

Now, when they say that to me, I bring them right over to my high-end wine box to show them what a real lady likes.   But, that's not what they want and definitely can't afford.  The Ladies Man stereotypes women as sweet wine drinking whores.  And, I mean whores, because The Ladies Man is looking to get some action when he presents this all powerful swill to the female target he is looking to score with. It's as if this magic elixir will somehow make his target see past what a scurvy perv he really is.

"Sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich?"  Because that goes well with Moscato after all.

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English is a Second Language

I deal a lot with customers via phone and e-mail sending out offers on high-ticket items I want to move or are really popular and can easily sell with an announcement.  About 99% of these customers are a real joy to deal with.  They have money.  They love wine.  They love good wine.  They love collecting.  They buy almost every time I send out an e-mail.  They love me.  Ok, maybe not that last one.

One of my newer customers who I have never spoken to on the phone has a real funny way of responding to me or asking me questions.  Based on his name, I think he speaks English better than he writes it.  He is the President of a multi-million dollar company.  He is one of these real joys to deal with, but I want to share some of his responses to me because they always give me a good laugh.

When I send out an e-mail and he wants something, his response is:

"I take a case."

Not, send me a case, I'll take a case, but "I take a case."  

The other day I sent out an e-mail and he responded with a question not related to the e-mail.

"Do you have any chateau nevus de pape?"

It's a good thing I can decipher these cryptic sentences.  For those of you not aware, he wanted Chateauneuf de Pape, a wine from France's Rhone Valley.   I never corrected him, but I just rattled off the abbreviation.  "Sure, I have a few great CDP's!"  I gave him 3 of my top selections.  He took 8 of each and $1800 later, I was a happy sales girl.   Love this guy!

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The Child Hating Manager

It has been my unfortunate experience to be the Manager who is always scolding someone else's kid.  Before you parents jump down my throat, I work in an ADULT store.  You must be 21 years of age or older to come into my store unless you are with a parent.  

Parents do bring in their children.  For the most part, they are well behaved.  But, there are always a few parents who let their children run wild in a large 25,000 square foot store with multiple exits.  Parents don't care if someone kidnaps their kid as long as their wild ones get away from them.  

Usually, it's some kid running around the store by himself.  I stop them and ask them where their mother or father is.  Then I bring the child back to the parent and explain to mommy or daddy that this is an adult store and that little Jimmy must be with mommy or daddy at all times.  The parents never say anything to me.  They don't scold their kids.  They usually look too beat down to care.

One day, a child about 7-8 years old came into the store, alone, holding a box of candy.  My first words were, "where are your parents."  He said, "my dad's in the car."  I said, "you can't be in here without him."  He said, "I'll go get him."  I said, "You can't sell your candy here."  We have a strict no soliciting policy.

In fact, what are parents thinking when they ask us if their kids could sell their cookies or candy or do can-shakes OUTSIDE OF A LIQUOR STORE!  Good family values at an early age, folks.

My favorite kid story involves two kids.  Mommy and Daddy are shopping and their 2 wild beasts are running around the store.  RUNNING.  I see one kid and start after her.  Then, in the back of the store, I see the boy KICKING a beach ball around the store I work in which is made mostly of glass!  I run to the back of the store.  They were slippery.  Just disappeared.  I turned around and made my way to the middle of the store and see one kid chasing the other.  I put up the STOP hand sign.  I started my battery of questions, escorted the kids back to the parents and explained that in no way could their kids be playing ball in the store.

Now, about that beach ball.  It was ours.  It was on a display of beer.  The beer was at least 8 cases high and the ball was WAY at the top attached to the ceiling.  Guess how that kid got it?  HE CLIMBED UP!

Parents, now I know why you need alcohol.

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The Indian Head Bobble

This is a real thing.  If you don't know what I'm referring to, read this article from CNN.  The Indian Head Bobble is a frequent occurrence in our wine store as we have a large population of Asian-Indians in our community.  I was first made aware that this was a real way of communicating via a little show called Outsourced.  The picture is of actress Anisha Nagarjan, a character on the show who demonstrated the bobble and explained it to the American she now worked for.

Some Asian-Indian men do not like to speak with me.  I understand.  It's a cultural thing.  But, if you want to speak with someone who knows wine, on some nights, I might be all you have.

So, one day, I approached two men and asked if they needed any assistance.  The one customer was holding a bottle of Riunite Lambrusco.  He said he was looking for  a red wine.  I asked the usual questions such as what price range, what style, what country, etc.  I pointed to the wine he was holding and explained that it was sweet.  

Some head bobbling occurred between the 2 men and then they simply just walked away from me without a word.

Debbie is once again confused.

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