I Belong to No Customer

The holidays are here and I don't look forward to the struggle that customers have when they want my help and I'm with someone else.  I've blogged about these people before.  They hover around, they wait for me while staring me down and sometimes will even interrupt me.  

But, this customer is a little different.  I help him.  I ask him if he needs anything else.  He says no and I move onto the next customer.  But, in about 5 minutes, he's not really done and needs my assistance again, so he thinks he has ownership over me.  The "I had her first" attitude.  Hey, you said we were done, so I'm now in sales mode with someone else.  If you want me back, you have to wait your turn after the 3 other people who are waiting to talk to me.  

It doesn't matter to him.  He will now become all of these people at the same time involving me in a tug of war for my attention.  He interrupts, hovers and stares at me, raises his finger to get my attention until he is really done and he won't be happy until he gets me to stop what I am doing and go back to him.  Ah, the joys of the season are upon us.

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Koala Liquor

Customer:: "Do you have Koala?"

Me: "What's it called?"

Customer: "Koala.  It's a coffee liquor."

Me: "Do you mean Kahlua?"

Customer: "That's it."

Me: "I aim to please."

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Charles Shaw

Charles Shaw wines are referred to as "Two Buck Chuck."  The wines started out at $2, but now hover around the $2.50 range.  The wines hail from California and in NJ are only sold at one large wine retailer that is not where I work at.  

I once participated in a blind auction where I bid on a bag that was totally hidden from me and spent $30 on one of these shitty bottles.  Boy, was I pissed!

So, customers constantly ask me for these wines and they are always confused when I explain that they are only sold at the other wine shop.  So, now it's my perverse pleasure to sell them on a $4 bottle of wine, my cheapest at the store.  Sometimes, this job really sucks.

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The Braggart

He's not the Ladies Man, but he is the Braggart.  He's the guy that demands your undivided attention while he shops, asks you lots of questions, tells you about all the expensive wines he has in his cellar, what expensive wine he drank last night, and then doesn't buy anything remotely expensive because he has too much of that already.  Of course, my eyes are usually rolling around in my head while he talks, but I'm hopeful to make a big sale until he crushes me.

Braggart: "Do you have Opus One?"

Me: " No sorry.  You have to be on my private list for that.  I've sold my allocation this year."

Braggart:  "Well, I have Opus in every vintage going back 10 years, some Opus magnums, and last night.. oh hey Jimmy, what did mom say I should have opened last night?"

Jimmy: "The magnum of Opus."

Braggart: "Right.  Mom said that.  She doesn't know ho much that costs!"

And then this goes on and on and on and on until I want to smash my head in with a hammer while he tells me about all the 1st growth Bordeaux's he has, magnums of this and that, and he's chasing me around the store while I always look unimpressed and disinterested about his extensive collection.

When he leaves the store, he spends about $200 on 12 bottles.  Please don't come back.

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New Vintages are Like a New Car Lot

I had an old colleague who explained this perfectly to customers and I've stole it because it works.  Customers come into the store with a name of a wine and the vintage they want.  The vintage is the year the wine was harvested. 

Customer: "I had the 2006 and it was amazing.  You only have the 2010.  Do you have the 2006?"

Me: "No, the 2006 is long gone.  We're on the 2010's now."

Customer: "So, you don't have 2006?"

Me: "No."

Customer: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Sir, vintages are like new cars at the car dealership.  Today is 2013.  You want a 2010, but all the dealership has is the current 2013 model.   If you want a 2010, you have to find another driver who is willing to sell it to you through the want ads or go to the used car lot.  Only 2013 is available at the new car dealership.  Wine is the same.  Once the vintage is gone, we get the newer model in.  You would need to find a wine auction site to find older vintages.  Understand?"

Customer:  "So, you don't have the 2006?"

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My Day of Infamy

I got written up.  In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little snarky.  I'm usually not that snarky with the customers unless I know them, but every once in awhile, my dry sense of humor comes pouring out like an elephant stampede.  This is a little long, so bear with me.

An old guy came into the store and it was rather early around 9:30am.  We were getting hit hard with deliveries and it was right before a major holiday so filling the shelves was a necessity.  I was building a display of Beaujolais Nouveau.  Yeah, it finally arrived!  The old guy stops while I was sweating my ass of building this huge display and starts a conversation with me.

Old Guy: "Can I make a suggestion for you?"

Me: "Sure."  Wiping my brow.

Old Guy: You should stock the shelves at night because I can't navigate the store."

Me: "Well, we like to sleep at night."

Was that offensive to you?  It was to this guy.  I'm sure it was the waaaaaay I said it, all smiles and such.

He had a con-nip-shit telling me how nasty my comment was.  I assured him my comment was not nasty and apologized if he thought so, but he assured me back how nasty I was.  Maybe I should have told him that this little organization called the UNION doesn't allow drivers to deliver at night?  Whatever.  These old guys don't have anything better to do than to call your boss, complain and try to get you fired.  The ironic part was, he left in a good mood with a case of wine.

Right when my shift was about to be over, my boss called me into the office and told me quite angrily how he had to write me up because of the old guy.  He never asked me what happened, just handed me to write-up to sign.  When I read it, it made no sense.  Something like he told me he wanted oranges and I said I wanted to sleep at night.  And, I told him that this made no sense, so, I explained it on the back in writing.  Let's at least be accurate.  The only extra tid-bit on the form said that, this was my one and only warning.  My warning for what?  Telling people I like to sleep at night?  Getting a complaint?  People always complain about the female manager - she's the bitch, right?  I get at least one every year and that's not about to change.  Whatever.  There's a little more to this story, but you'll have to wait until the book comes out.  For now, there is a black mark on my squeaky clean record.

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Talk to My Ass

This customer weirds me out and it happens more than you think.  It never fails that when I bend down to pick up a bottle, a box, garbage or whatever, someone, behind me, will talk to my ass.  I am literally bent over.  There is never an "excuse me", a throat clearing or any indication that someone is behind me.  The person just asks a question...to my ass.

I bend down and I hear, "where is the beer?"  I stand up and turn around.  What?  Are you talking to me?  I wonder if they think that my ass will actually talk back.  Maybe I should pull an Ace Venura.  I've thought about looking between my legs and talking back to them.  Maybe I could start a whole new thing.  Like planking in different public places.  I could bend over and look between my legs and talk to them in different aisles in the store.  I could even walk that way to make it easier on the customer.  That would probably get me written up, which will bring me to tomorrow's blog.

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